We hear a lot of advice about how to best prepare older children for the arrival of a little brother or sister... And that's great, because the arrival of a second child is a real upheaval for the child already there...
We often think about the practical aspects… sharing objects, time, attention, childcare solutions, quality time, etc., but we often consider less the emotional upheaval that will result!
As a therapist, the arrival of a new child in the family regularly comes up as a significant, even traumatic, event in my consultations; and this is true regardless of the family, the parents or the type of education!
In therapy, we will identify the beliefs triggered by the arrival of a new child: beliefs that our child cannot explain to us verbally because they are unconscious.
Indeed, 95% of our thoughts are unconscious… So there are a lot of stories that we tell ourselves without even realizing it! And it's exactly the same for our children! They make up a lot of stories based on the interpretation of the events of their daily lives and it goes without saying that the arrival of a baby is a major event that provokes a lot of speculation!
It is therefore essential to explain to our children why we chose to have other children, in order to avoid them having beliefs such as:
- I am not enough
- I disappointed my parents
- I don't meet my parents' expectations
- If my parents have another child, it's because I failed.
- I'm not good enough
Our children do not understand why we want to have another child when we feel good with them... They very regularly interpret that they are responsible or guilty for what is happening as if this new child was there to do better than them or to succeed where they failed!
So really think about taking a moment to explain to them the reasons that pushed you to experience a new pregnancy! The more details and explanations you give, the less risk there is that your children will interpret the situation in their own way and live in insecurity, discomfort and fear!
PS: it's never too late to do it, even if your baby is already a few months or a few years old, take some time to communicate with your older child!
Nathalie Clement
Instagram: @nc_seveillerenfamille
Therapist and family support worker
Baby talk practitioner
My wish is that every child feels understood and that every parent experiences joyful and light parenting!